i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
