forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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