Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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