Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
