before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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