I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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