***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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