you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
