this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
