he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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