Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
