My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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