my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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