Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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