I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
