seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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