Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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