I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
