She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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