Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
