We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
