I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
