he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize