apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
