I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
