i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
