you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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