FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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