Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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