Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
