I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
