so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
4 words: hood of his car
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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