I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize