Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
