I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
