if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
