Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
