The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
