I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
