I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
