i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
