sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
