i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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