I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
