cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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