New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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