the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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