I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize