like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Randomize
