There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
