that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Vodka?
Forever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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