he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
