i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
