did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
