Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize