I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wish there were birth control emojis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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