someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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